Dad's moving day

Well, it went very smoothly.
My bf and I packed up his clothes and stuff and a van brought dad.
There were bugs in his drawers ick.
Sister met us there to sign papers.
The home didn't send the paperwork over with us.
the home didn't put in his foley catheter.
We didnt even notice about the catheter till four hours later when we were
leaving. needless to say I am still worried about any consequences of that.
So, here he is in the new place...
I truly hope this goes well :-/
It is difficult being somewhere new after so many years...
.

Dad

I got a call yesterday I cannot believe.
My father's VA social worker said she has been riding his nursing
home's ass because of the conditions there for months.
Mostly due, she said, to what she saw of my father's lack of care.
So, the home lost their VA contract.
Which means dad needs a place NOW.
She called to say she found a place for him and he has to move
next week! omg.
The place she found seems wonderful-
60 beds and non-profit, owned by a veteran.

She said she was worried about his reaction to moving
( resisting moving or dementia worsening due to change)
But we have no choice.
Dad needs to be cared for and made comfortable
at 94 and i have been worried to death
about how they were letting him languish...

Party at memory care place

My mother was the most relaxed she has been yet.
The entire place was open and done up for christmas.
Open as in ALL the doors were OPEN !
Anyone could go anywhere, and yet there was no chaos,
no one escaping, it was amazing.
People dressed as Victorian carolers roamed and sang,
three fully dressed toy soldiers sang and marched along,
and Santa came around!
After a few hours of eating treats
mom wanted to go back to her room
so I walked her over, she didnt realize it was nearby.
 She went to the door and I kissed her goodbye
and she waved and shut the door.
She is so blessed to be there.
I hope nothing jeopardizes her residence there...

She thought santa was cute and tickled his beard saying
"Mmmm, I like this!"

Difficult Season

I never thought this part would be so hard.
holiday season is always difficult for me but Man this is hard.

tried to do something christmassy with mom this week..
I played her little snoopy music toy for her
and tried to do christmas cards with her- but she was just too distracted
to focus for less than a minute.
Even brought her old radio she sang one song and then back
to stressing about who am i where am i and leaving the room.
I didnt press anything, just hugs and giggles...

I am doing some hobbies and enjoying that, no i dont hang around
obsessing about the losses .. just sometimes like today
it strikes suddenly.

First Thanksgiving

This will be the first Thanksgiving in many years without my mom.
Last week I was elated to be able to go to friends without a care,
but this week I am having a hard time...
I know she will not know this time from any other,
she was already like that before she went into the memory care place.
So, it isnt about her... it is those things and times I read about that are
called incremental losses, anticipatory grief.
I am having this for both parents at the same time.

http://americanhospice.org/caregiving/alzheimers-disease-and-grieving-caregivers/

here she is coloring outdoors october 2013 in the cold, I was a tough caregiver LoL!

Mom and Dad

From the visits

Saw Father Today

So I packed my bag with sodas and my laptop to look at photos.
Brought a doll I had made, and stuff to clean his hearing aids/ears.
Saw him and realized I was out of the loop.
He was sleeping and barely recognizable.
Unshaved and frazzled longish hair
frail and weak, nasty rotten teeth.
I lay with him on the bed and showed him various family pics and my cat..
They brought him a nice looking lunch and he (as usual)
said he wasnt hungry.
He asked to get a breath of fresh air so I got the wheelchair
 figured out the urine bag and hung it on the chair.
When we got outside I pushed him over to the tables and chairs
and I sat down.
He immediately began insisting I take him for a drive and proceeded
to try to roll up the ramp to the parking lot. Being so frail he was having quite
a struggle and I sat there for a minute allowing him to get some
exercise- then realized he might roll back, so I went and assisted him
to the top. "I wanna go for a drive! where's your car"
I sat down in a parking space.
You see, he did this with my sister
and she handled it incorrectly and tried to drive off with him like this
and he threw a fit and she had to have staff come get him.
So, I replied "I cannot do that", and sat there.
which was true- I couldnt, and I really dont think he could even get into
a car.
So, after a while we went back down the ramp because he didnt like me
sitting on the cold ground.... we sat for a bit and I tried to get him to enjoy
the fall colors and blue sky, but he was distracted...
I have to say,
neither of my parents are really 'there' any more,
all they want to do is GO.

Went to see her

The memory care place scheduled a meeting, so we went early to have lunch
with mom first.
She was dosing in a comfy chair with an afghan when we got there
but she wasnt acting doped up.
She said 'time for my meal' and folded the afghan and
left it on the chair !
I think the meal would have gone a lot more smoothly if we werent there
because she would have just gone and sat down. Instead there was a bit
of waiting for chairs to be arranged etc.
She got pretty belligerent and bossy telling us to sit etc.
Her mood would waver between fine and then angry in a split second....
at one point she called me STUPID six times in a row !
I just sat and smiled at her . Then she called me my sister's full name
Oh, now that's interesting.
So, after a delicious meal of crab cakes which mother would have never
eaten before but ate with gusto the whole meal, we all sat in the tv room
for the meeting..... that is, once mom thought I had left because she was
so angry she didnt want to follow me.
It was day two on adavan and they remarked at how calmly she sat
during our meeting reading a paper. Apparently she was not able to
focus for more than a second before. I told them that her sitting there
reading was "normal", so they were happy with how the medicine was working.
They showed me a painting she did, about her walks outside, how they redirect her
etc. 
She never said anything but nonsense to me the whole visit,
but she did ask my bf "How are you doing? are you working?"
wow.
After the meeting they took her to a comfy chair, I gave her an american doll i had
found in a thrift store, and left without hugging her or saying goodbye.
I just didnt want to cause a disruption and the women were engaging
her about the doll.
..............................................................................
I had a hard time falling asleep last night with the vision of her
infront of me saying 'stupid' over and over-- yes i know
"it isnt her its the disease" 
Also, she was stroking the arm of one of them the way she used to do
with me.... I am in the process of seeing this as a good thing,
she is relaxed with them and I know it makes her happy to comfort
another.

Post Memory Care Placement

I havent visited mom since the last post...
But the place continues to call me about her, trying to get to know her.
They do not realize I am burnt out over her care
and I really do not know why she is doing what she is doing over there.
It is also hard to understand what they are Not telling me.
I got a call from the Dr there yesterday.
He wanted to put her on some meds so "she could participate more"
How can sedating someone make them participate more?
Then he said she is walking a lot, "there she goes by now"....
I responded she likes to be busy with puzzles and coloring, beading,
exercise  and likes walks,
what more can I say? what are they NOT telling me about her behavior?

I guess they dont like her getting up and leaving the table where they are doing something(?)
Maybe she is looking for me?
I dunno, i have to go observe her myself. Last time she was quite happy sitting
at a table eating lunch unattended.
I have to admit there isnt anything to DO in the circular corridor except walk around.
 but thats why i liked it. Maybe she is just exit seeking all the time(?)

So I called and they are trying adavan.
she is stashing things in her pants and cart and being suspicious and resistant
to redirection to use her rollator.
she is also going into other peoples rooms with the same reaction.
The nurse kindly told me that being in this state of mind is uncomfortable
for mom and is much happier today on a quarter dose.
she was sitting listening to a live piano concert when i called.

I visited mom

She was moved in on Monday and I visited Saturday.
WOW what a difference !
She looked so good I thought she had makeup on !
When I arrived I watched her from across the atrium,
she was alone at a table eating from a bowl (like I had suggested)
and drinking from a real cup (not disposable one).
That's the thing about this place, they use REAL dishes-
Fiestaware to be exact.
I went over and she was happy to see me, she had eaten all the chicken
and sweetpotato in her bowl. I just cannot get over they actually
Listened to me and gave her a bowl and spoon!

After spending some time at the table playing with a doll I brought
and some icecream she wanted to lay down.
Taking her to the bathroom I discovered she had on a very uncomfortable
girdle type thing with hip pads ontop of a diaper (which was dry)
Lordy I had a time getting all that up and down- I could have had them do it
but i couldnt find anyone.
Anyways, later we walked to a different wing for live music.
Around 3pm she started sundowning and the weird paranoia began.
Saying everyone there wanted to leave...
Three thirty she wanted to leave so I said 'sure', and the humorous
"escape" began. LoL! she began to 'run' telling me to hurry up or
they would catch us. She got all snotty because I was walking too slow.
She seemed to relax or maybe just feel defeated once we got back into
her wing. It is a circular floor, and I think she said there was
'no way out'. I sat her on a couch and got a couple huge piece puzzles.
She calmed right down...

When I headed to my car I was EXHAUSTED.
This was four hours , I cannot believe I did this for years.

Welp She's In the new place

After quite successfully getting her into the car we got there.
They had taken all her clothing to be labeled, inspected her lamp for safety.
They served us a wonderful lunch of chicken and roasted Brussels sprouts.
Mother's was finely cut up already!
She soon lay down for a rest and we had a conversation with the day and night
staff about her.
One thing I pressed is that she is fast on her feet and how she had gotten away
from her first aid before she knew what happened. Also that she has orthostatic
hypotension= dizzy upon standing.

Well, wouldn't you know it.....
an hour later they call me.
She had gotten up from her nap with the girl in there,
 left the bedroom without her rolator and closed the door before the girl could get out
and catch her. The girl called the nurse to catch her and mom turned around
and fell.
"Man she's FAST!" the nurse said "you just get done telling us she's fast and
then this happens- she's like lightning!" She apologized profusely fearful I would think
them incompetent ...
she fell on her rump and its carpeted, I said I was glad they didnt panic
 and call the ambulance and that she is resilient .
I sure hope they learned their lesson.

Hmm, I think I will call them and tell them to expect her up at midnight
and 3-4am....

yesterday

I visited mother and all I can think of is that she was
"on something". I have only seen her once like that
and it was when I had to use trazadone for the weekend before
hiring 24hr care. Never did that again and had that drug put on the
do not use list.

Today we take her to the new place.

updates

Went to see mom yesterday afternoon.
Her lunch was sitting still covered and uneaten, no one had bothered to feed her.
Her chest is extremely congested and she was quite hungry
but could barely eat with all the coughing and a belly full
of phlegm.
She started to perk up and fiddle about her room, bending and walking well.
I wanted to walk her to get that congestion moving, but next thing you
know she fell asleep.
I took almost all her belongings out of there and most all her clothes to wash.
F-them, they misplaced most of them, lost her blanket, and I found that they
had shrunk everything to child size!

Today we brought everything to the new place.
If she makes it here it will be heavenly.
Here is the view out her door of the atrium.
It is SO peaceful in this place you just want to stay there.

Blessings without number falling on your head. CLUNK!

Thursday night I had a thought-
What if mom falls and breaks her hip and goes to the hospital.
Friday morning she fell out of bed and hit her head on the night table.'
They said her feet got caught in the blankets.
She was extremely agitated when they helped her up yelling..
They sat her in a chair in her room alone.
A few hours later she attempted to get out of the chair and fell again.
Off to the hospital she went.
After hours of poking and prodding xrays and CT scan
fighting them and yells of protest
they found nothing and she went back to the home.
-
She had on stained dirty clothing that didn't belong to her,
her hair was filthy, nails had feces on them
Her eyes were goopy and infected and she had a congested cough.

I tried to no avail to get her sent to the new place from the hospital.
It being the weekend there is no doctor on duty there and you
have to be checked within 24 hours of arrival.

The woman from the new place, even though it was her day off
and she was out of town, was in contact with me and the hospital
social worker.
I cannot get over just how truly concerned she was, sending emails
and calling. 

Needless to say,
my boyfriend and I are burnt out and tired of this ride....

The New Place

Yesterday we went to the new home to fill out the papers.
We had taken a tour a while ago, but for some reason this time
I was blown away.
Perhaps it was because I couldnt believe it was for mother to be finally admitted.
When we arrived there was the wonderful sound of a piano player filling
the open air space of the entire place. I felt like I was in a new york mall
or fancy restaurant the way the music sounded.
The center of the circular living space is open to the roof with huge
atrium windows above. The second floor is open also to it
large plants growing in the center below, like a mall.
When the woman showed me that mom would have the window side
of the bedroom I went into shock. A window seat ! The room is pale blue
my mother's favorite color.
They will label her clothes, hang any pictures, room enough for a comfy
chair, bathroom and shower in one right by her bed... ok now I am about to
pass out.
Then we visited the eating area and I saw the most peculiar thing.
A plate of food containing what looked like a deflated corn on the cob.
OMG it was a plate of extruded food that had been made to LOOK
Like what it was !!!!!!!!!! No piles of mashed blobs - these looked
like actual items.
The woman exclaimed who wants to eat that? Then went on to say
they are a unique place... and led us to a full kitchen that is for family
to use and cook things for gatherings WHAT?!
We have full use of anything anywhere, even the craft room Oooo!!
It is $500.00 a day. That will eat up her savings like now, then medicaid
will take over after we turn that in.

Ok, now the things I feel.
I am sorry she will have to be moved again, the poor girl has been through
hell this last two months. Apparently she slapped someone at the place she
is now.
Also, I got rid of everything to empty her apartment so there isnt anything
to bring over and decorate with.
Oh crap!
the old place just called and mom got tangled in her blanket and hit her
head at 5AM. They said she wanted to go to the bathroom so after assessing
her they did that and are keeping an eye on her.
Last night I was suddenly worrying she would fall out of bed and have to
go to the hospital- UGH !

WooooHooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The nursing home I put mother on the list for three years ago called
SHE's IN !
They sent a nurse over to assess her and she really couldnt get much
from mother, but said she did a little better one on one with her.
From what I heard she isn't getting much attention there
and is alone much of the time.
( I found her fully dressed in bed last time, then they dropped off
a meal she had no idea how to eat.)
I also found out they said she was double incontinent- What?
I said that that is because mom doesn't know where the bathroom is
or who to ask.
 No wonder we spend half the time in the bathroom pooping when I visit !
They said they would have her on the extra care floor so there
would be someone to cue her for bathroom and help her eat
and dress.
I think she has been difficult for them with undressing-
I know she is reluctant to give up her underwear.
It sure would be nice for her to eat in a dining room, but I guess
that requires one on one and that isn't there.

The new place is a non-profit Alzheimer's Only place.
The floor plan is circular with a naturally lit atrium like center.
My childhood friend's mother was there and my friend
highly recommended it.
US News and world report rated it Best Nursing Home 2015

I thought I would be happy

I would have "therapeutic" thoughts when I was caring for mother....
You see, she was a hoarder and this was the fifth time
fifth move we had tossed out the accumulation.
So, while I was taking care of her, I would, in my mind, be
merrily tossing things and furniture out.

But it didn't end up that way for me....
I wasnt really attached to anything there, all that was left was ancient
photos of ancestors over in england that my sister got. Lots of jewelry
costume and real from other passed relatives.

Everything went into the lobby for people to pick through...
(maybe I should have kept that necklace or that mug....)
Small scraps picked up and floors vacuumed....

I think that it is really driving home that mother is not coming back.
This year was full of "lasts"
Last trip to the beach,
last haircut at bernie's
last road trip

Everyone goes through this, these " stages of grief"
watching a loved one slowly lose who they were......

Mother Congested

When I arrived yesterday I found her in her room with her plate
on her lap and the over bed table with the tray too high and to the side.
I lowered the table infront of her and cut her meatballs up and gave her the spoon.
I really dislike that they do this.
She was very thirsty and I kept refilling her mug with water.
She was extremely congested and I had her cough multiple times.
Once she asked lamely about going home, but that was it.
But asked multiple times what the piece of cake was and delighted anew
each time she tasted it.
After lunch I toileted her and brushed flossed her teeth.
Then for the first time I took her out to the court yard to wait for my
sisters. It was really nice out there!
The visit was nice, my sisters couldn't believe what a wonderful place
it is.
Mother was happy to see them and kept saying "ya-ya-ya"
as they rubbed her arms and shoulders.

I cannot believe that I ironed name tags on all her clothes and they
are ALL GONE.
" I'll find a clean sweater downstairs for her" the aid said...
Cripe they lost two of hers already, and I found a shirt that wasnt hers
in her closet that THEY wrote her name inside- what?
oh well, I am not going to do her laundry.
Oh, she had had a shower and nails trimmed and chin shaved yay!
Anyways, we walked around the courtyard singing and her lungs got cleared
out.
My sisters and kids took everything they wanted out of her apartment
so I feel better about that. There was a huge set of stoneware dishes
that were giving me pain about getting rid of and my nephew took them.
(sigh of relief)

Let Go Darn It !

My sister and adult children are going to visit mother today.
She thought she could just take her out to lunch...
I discouraged her from doing that, I just don't know how she is yet.
They could sit out in the court yard I think.
I am afraid of "upsetting the applecart".
What the heck is wrong with me, I seem to be overly concerned about
them seeing her expecting her to be like she was a couple months ago.
When I visit, I observe her from afar and organize her room then
spend a small bit of quiet time with her prior to an activity.
It is a small wing at the back of a larger facility -
The four of us are going to be quite a parade.

Geez, I just gotta let it go-
I get all concerned about how my sister or kids will be upset,
that the other residents will be sad they dont have visitors,
also I have a big tendency to feel I have to be "The Leader" .
Just let it GO.

Visited Mother

She was great !
She was at a table waiting for lunch and directing two other ladies
to straighten the table cloth lol .
I brought a doll and she played with it a while waiting for lunch.
I emptied her cart basket- lordy there was a full cup of coffee in
there .
Lunch was so late that the nurses went down and got the carts themselves,
so there!
I shredded her chicken and had her use the spoon only-much better.
Took her to the bathroom, then
took her a wonderful bright room and colored.
Then it was game time and I left.
She never asked where she was, never asked to "go home"
nothing! She was content !

I like the staff, they aren't grumpy and burnt out-
we had a good laugh at how a woman totally flooded her room.
The floor nurse in charge is energetic and with-it.
Now, if they could just find moms laundry we'd be all set :P



 

Visited Mother

On the twenty seventh we brought over some more clothes,
her tv, and stuffed animals.
She was calm and ate lunch- not sure why they served it to her in her room.
Anyways, I opened her rollator seat basket and found it STUFFED!
omg it was so funny.
A dirty blue workmans shirt, towels, plastic cups, latex gloves, colored pencils,
magazine, napkins.... we couldnt believe all that could fit in there.
Here I was afraid of people taking her stuff and it turns out she is
the resident to watch out for haha.
We put up snoopy pics and put baby blue blankets on the bed.
Pretty sure the blankets will be off, the staff seems to want their own
stuff on there.
After lunch she waved goodbye, so we left.
..................................................................................................................
I cannot help but think of her all day every day.
She does not know where to sit down, so stands and walks all day...
doesn't know where her bed is or to ask to lay down.
She was in pain because of these things so they are going to give
tylenol.

August twenty first to twenty forth

Was a friday. We were there to sign the admissions papers but it never happened.
The aid called in a panic, I could hear mother yelling in the background.
She was in the hallway banging on doors and yelling and the aid was
beside herself- mother had hurt her!
I blurted something outloud that made the admissions guy say
"You have to LEAVE I am uncomfortable with this situation ! "
(crap)
We flew home and found mother calmly eating a sandwich- Whut?
I told the aid this is it, I am calling ambulance.
I had mom go to the bathroom.
When she came out, the room was full of ambulance personnel-
did she freak? No.
One asked how she was feeling and she pointed at her head
and shook her head as in 'no good'.
the ride she was fine, in the hospital she was fine.....
till I left.
The next day as a Dr miller was speaking to me
mother was screaming like an insane person in the background.
They had her in a "Soma safe enclosure"
Talk about frightening, hearing her...
Anyways, sunday they had to get her to the point of nursing home requirements.

Meanwhile I was in a panic thinking I had lost the bed at the nursing home.
Monday came and so did the phone calls.
Her social worker, the hospital, the nursing home admissions.
She was being released to the home!
We went over, signed the papers, and set up her room
and she arrived.
She had lunch, walked around, and as they were playing a game
we left.

Nervous And Relieved

The nursing home just called.
She's IN
Prepping her room tomorrow and paperwork.
Entry on Monday morning.

I can't believe it
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT !

new aid bad news

mother dislikes a new aid to the extreme.
trying to get out the door away from her for hours and the aid cannot distract her.
mother even CAlled me (wow) wanting her out of there.
She didnt even want to go outside with her !
didnt want to go into elevator, and didnt want to get out downstairs.
Then i got them out, and they sat there for way too long-
two hours. so I thought i would hide and wave the aid in,'
mother would NOT go with her.
so it's a bad match.

One thing i am afraid of is moving day-
after all this stress ,there is going to be ten times more.
i still have to get things ready- what I do not know.
Except ironing on clothes labels.
ohhh, my heart.....

She Escaped the Aid !

Yesterday the daytime aid was cleaning the tub and discovered it
was "too quiet".
By that time mother was already at my door.
Thank goodness she came here and not down the stairs.
I opened the door and hugged her as she cried wanting to come in.
The aid finally ran down the hall.
She learned her lesson. Big Time.

We installed a door bell over there and gave them a door-jam, and
put back on the child-safety door knob cover.
She is Quick and devious .
Especially now that the other med is out of her bloodstream.

Last night the night companion said she was up multiple times.
Mother was calmly eating cereal and tea at eight this morning
so I started her back on the Escitalipram 5mg.

The day before, I was in the hallway only to hear/ see my mother's
door opening and closing and a tussle going on . mother popped out and saw
me so i went in....

yesterday i was so full of anxiety i went and found a tree to lay under
and feel the ground beneath me. I watched the clouds and tried so hard
to calm my heart....

The aids tell me she is "an easy case" because she is friendly and allows
strangers in and waves hello at them.
they want to cook for her-
I got rid of everything having to do with cooking. All utensils, pots, foods.

Twenty Four Hour Care

I ended up calling adult protective services on monday morning.
They set up a DSS social worker and 24 hour care for her.
Mother went nuts on Trasadole and her dr agreed to stop it.
She is still driven to get out. The day-time companion decided
it would be healthier to go outside like she usually did and thought
she was steady enough to go with her rollator and watch the birds.

My boyfriend and i had a crazy few days.....
still wound up.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think she would go crackers like this.
But NOW, I dont have to worry about her getting into danger alone.
I hope the nursing home I picked out comes through, i hope it is ok.....

She Ran Away Again

After I had put a child-safe device on her door handle.
The door bell went off and I took off out the door and down the hall.
She wasnt in her place anywhere-
i went out in hallway- heard a door close in the stairwell.
ran up the stairs - heard another door click below me.
Ran down there and through the door.
No one....
click.....
opened a door to find her in a maintenance CLOSET.
She was crazed with having to get outside and go HOME.
yes, I should have called the ambulance.
I brought her back - omg  she did not want to go.
stayed with her an hour or so and had to go back down the hall for a minute
to call Dr.
Greased up the door handle and child thing and wasnt home for a minute
when DING DONG ! WHAT??
I ran out in hall to hear her door being locked from inside.
I went over to find her there...
I sat and waited for companion to show.....
and what I saw next made my jaw drop.
She had REMOVED the child device and hid it big time.
I couldnt even get the dam thing open to let myself OUT

Picked up new medication rx this afternoon and it did Nothing .

I should have called ambulance......

She Ran Away

Yesterday the companion was due around 9:30am.
Mother's door alarm went off around twenty after so I assumed it was the companion.
Some time later I get a call-
It is the companion out of breath telling me the most shocking news.
She was walking from her car in the far back parking lot and
found my mother up there.
This area is way up a hill far away from the apartment.
She said she didnt recognize mother at first without her rollator, walking along
head down holding tightly to a receipt she found on the ground.
Mother was looking for a car - whatever.
I went to moms and got the rollator and went to find them.
Mother could barely walk so we had her sit on the seat and pushed her.
When we got back mother's legs were so weak i thought she would fall.
Mother definitely has something watching over her to have
the companion "bump" into her.

I ran to store and got a child safety thing for the door knob and made
a ton of calls to her doctor that were Un-returned.
Later that afternoon she was ready to go on a walk because she
had "been in all day" .
When I made dinner she forgot how to leave the bathroom.
I went over 8pm to find her on the couch in the dark babbling,
I put her to bed.
This morning I went over to find she had been up
earlier and was back in bed so I put breakfast out .
It's like a zombie, they keep popping back up.
She is fine and eating breakfast

Meanwhile, I am downloading the past five years
bank statements to get ready for title 19 in future.

Two nights in a row and she hasnt opened her door at night.
although I did catch her walking down the hall leaving in the morning.
Rats, the bell just went off just now as I typed that LoL.
I was over there earlier to get her breakfast and make sure she changed
her underwear - of course she said she had already.
I pretended to get the dirty ones back out of the basket and give them
back to her, but I am good with the slight of hand.
 Yesterday was very stressful because the morning companion
never showed. They tried to pretend that the companion was outside
my mothers door knocking and mother hadnt answered.
I said "She IS NOT ! I am HERE ! "
On and on dealing with BS all day - I do not know who lied but
they said later they couldnt get a hold of her-
and then later a familiar tale of
"she had an allergic reaction and was in hospital"
The last company I had did and said this EXACT same thing
and I never called them back.
(makes me wonder if it was the same girl, but more likely
it is the thing they say when this happens)
Ya, I am cynical.
They promised she would be back today and I said fine,
I just dont have the strength to deal with it.

Started Mom on Antidrepressant

This week I decided to try her on Lexapro.
It has an anti-anxiety property to it.
My father did better on it and so do I.
Unlike what doctors do when they prescribe something
ie they start too high and then titer down
I started her on 2.5mg for a few days then last night
I crushed a 5mg one in her first bite of dinner.
The door alarm went off at midnight and that was it.
Hopefully it will help her sleep and us too.
I felt like I was on the way out yesterday mentally
with her up all night.

Got a call after all these years from the memory care place
she has been on the list for three years. She apologized
and we had a good talk.
She could tell I was at my wits end.
She said that transferring mother to there after she is another home
was easy (as far as the paperwork).
She has a letter from moms geri-psych saying she needs skilled nursing!
Unfortunately, no clue as to when for entry into that place, it being the
best around... But I will continue searching and touring, and getting
list together of things to buy and pack for future move.

All the Things Going on

I read many posts about others in my situation.
As i read them I realize that the things I am used to mother doing
put her at late stage six. Incontinence being the only thing to take her
to the next level.
She would wear the same clothing and underwear every day.
She would never wash her hair, bathe or brush teeth..
Her toileting is, uh, unsanitary. I don't dare use her hand towels over there.
Of course she says she "just did that " as far as changing or bathing etc.
Cannot prepare even a sandwich.
cannot use the phone.
Language is heard as gibberish, she says gibberish sometimes.
OH, and this one=
She is repeatedly startled to see me in the apartment.

The other night I had to lay with her in her bed as she kept popping up
with confusion... "where am I, did I get here by car, I am home -wow good, where am I ,
did I get here by car, I am home wow good..... "
Over and over and over - It was frightening .
I felt SO bad for her- she was wide-eyed and scared.
She stroked my arm and I stroked hers till she finally calmed down
and I turned on her bedside radio talk show...
She realized I should go to bed and said good night.
WOW

There is no way she can go to assisted living and I cannot see how
medicaid  would refuse to pay for her to be in skilled nursing
place ????
Maybe they can since she is mobile and healthy.

Another No Show ?!

New companion never showed up for her
" meet and greet "
Door alarm went off at 2AM, 5AM
and then quit working !
O_O  ughhhh......

So.......
at least the bracelet came.
I am trying to figure out the best thing to do with her savings
checking accounts in prep for the future.
Thinking of condensing the accounts as much as I can.
I cannot find any info as to how the nursing home takes over those
things.

Update

Well, that wandering jaunt sure scared me especially
when she showed up the next day too.
I toured another home and liked it a lot.
Nice and bright rooms

Bird watching room and a court yard.
The only thing that bugs me is what to do in the winter when you
cannot go outside and the only thing to do is walk the halls...
I guess thats the same anywhere right?
Too bad she isnt like my father and used to hospital-like settings
and care.
I was told three to four months, so I started making a list of things to bring.
I am SO pissed at the best place I found having her on the waiting
list for three YEARS.
They have a round floor plan so they can
go round in circles instead of just a hallway.

Anyways, we got a remote door alarm but not sure yet if the signal
reaches our apartment.
Also a door mural to take away the temptation of a door.
It is a large picture of a bookcase! Only one BIG problem-
Will she be able to answer the door when companion knocks?????
Where'd the door go? someone's knocking behind the bookcase!
Here is a tiny part of it unrolled.

The alzheimer association recommended getting a toy parrot that repeats
what you say. Bad idea for mom, she was frightened to death of it
because she doesnt understand  language too well anymore. She cried
out "Waaahh!! What's it saying???!!! "
ah well ...

Mother Left on her own

Well it happened.
We were grocery shopping and found out that my mother had tried to leave.

After I returned to her place and found her happily listening to a CD
she and I put away her groceries.
A while later a knock on my door brought the most frightening story
I could hardly believe.
My neighbor observed my mother get on the elevator and leave.
Thank goodness he has the smarts to think to himself
"this doesnt seem right, let me wait here and see what happens"
She could have been whisked away to god knows where on that elevator.
But she stayed on and omg it came back to her floor-
(she doesnt know how to operate it)
she recognized him as being on the floor she left and got off going to him.
He isnt hard to miss- he's a BIG muscular tattooed  bald guy .
He did not know she had alzheimer and couldnt figure out why such
a healthy looking woman didnt know where she lived.
She didnt know "daughter" and he took her to my door and knocked-nope.
She didnt know where she lived, but he knew it was down the hall.
He got the cleaning lady to go with him and they walked down the
hall with her till she recognized her door.

She needs to be in a home, safe.
Needs a companion .
sent away for a medical bracelet and remote door alarm..

Omg here she is, she just wandered to my door !!!!!!!!!!!
I sat her down on the couch and gave her my doll to brush its hair to relax her.
she was anxious and carried in an armload of clothing...

Broken Trust

Two days ago the companion was coming to walk mother in the afternoon.
I decided to take a drive during that time and walk around a store.
Needless to say soon after I was out I got lost and used my gps to get home,
so I decided to get on the computer and enjoy that.
When the time came for the companion to be walking by after her visit
I stood by my door to ask her how it went.
The phone rang , it was the company.
The companion had never come.
Oh. My. god.

OH MY GOD SHE'S BEEN ALONE THIS WHOLE TIME?????!!!!!
I exclaimed into the phone.
POW! There went my back...

I "rushed' over to find mother sitting forlorned at the table -
"hewo? " she said....
I practically crawled to get her rollator out and took her outside for some
fresh air.

The thing that makes me the angriest and I told them as such,
is that the light saying the woman had never checked in had been
flashing for almost two hours before they called her to find out
why she hadnt checked in- she had forgotten.

Yesterday I found myself wondering if the companion is doing
what I asked her to do -
I didnt find evidence of giving mom fruit and yogurt
and her house keys had been left out instead of hidden.

My Poor Attitude

Boy was I angry yesterday.
Trying to keep it inside all day was exhausting, and I do not even
know what specifically it was....
ok, Everything.

At one point i was so tired of mother repeatedly searching her wrists for
her watch I took mine off and put it on her.
I decided that entering her apartment is like going into a carnival
' fun house"...
The disorienting moving floors , twirling spinning walls,
mirrored mazes....
I go in, undo the madness by going through everything=
items wrapped in underwear, kleenex draping books, empty trashcan
(where's the trash?) what happened to all the klondikes? where is the
toothbrush? The puzzle we started gone, not in box. Dish liquid in freezer.
I prepare a meal and leave for an hour to catch my breath & sanity.

As I return later
walking down the hallway I start to breathe heavily, open the door,
and once again enter the 'fun house' and do it all over again.

I don't think that she is hallucinating- it is only when she looks out
the window. So maybe it's her cataracts or spots she sees.

Pre-arrangements Done !

Finally after all these years of having this last thing to do for mother
it is Done !
Five(?) years ago I got my father's done
at a really nice funeral home where they
were SO helpful. The woman told me all the things I had to get
done for my mother also, as far as her finances.
Yesterday I finally got her pre-arrangements done.
Once again they were very helpful !
They knew their stuff about legalities and what to expect
and prepare you with the paperwork needed for the future.

The only thing I am really concerned about now
is when she goes into a memory care place
how the whole financial thing will go down-
Scary stuff .

Seeing Things Not There

The past couple of days my mother has been obsessed with watching
out her big window. She pulled up her poang chair and refused to get up,
instead calling me over to confirm what she was seeing.
"Come here! Look! Can you see them? "
Children and people getting into cars -
There! See? can you see them?! "
Ok, here's the thing...
She was looking at the sky and trees....
no clouds....
Oh dear.
It took some convincing to get her away from the window,
she got ticked when i put the blinds down and opened them-
I figured it would "break up" the visions.
It worked.
But with every predictable stage or event it gets harder
because I get more scared....
Now she wont bathe herself and each shower I give
her i wonder if it will be the last.

Finally

I finally got the nerve to go visit my father last Friday.
I coped with the heart pounding in my chest as I drove by
not thinking about what I was doing.
The visit went well, he was in his bed because pneumonia
was going around.
I showed him a doll I made and pictures.

Unfortunately, my sister did not visit the next day and bring
him chocolate like I thought she would.
Apparently she is having huge anxiety about visiting also!
Because of this, he has been calling so much her voicemail box
has been full for weeks and he is now calling ME -
AAaaaaak !!!
 like this morning at 6:30am...... ok fine, I had to go over
mother's anyways to make her breakfast before she...
too late- she was eating canned greenbeans.

Father calls because he is sick

Turns out that my father was at the start of pneumonia when
he was calling and calling...
I though maybe he was hungry or just wanted chocolate.

My doctor told me that my mother would BE in a home if I weren't
taking such good care of her. She said the only way she'll be in
a home is for her to (somehow) go into the hospital where she would not
be allowed to go home and live alone.
She told me to get her Dr. to Move It and get going on this.

I was so impatient with mother yesterday.
She had packed her wastebasket and used the dirty tissues
as packing. Various items like books and brushes tied into hanging
bathrobe using the belt. Pant hangers used to clip pant legs full
of things and hung in closet.
After lunch I went to take her for walk and she had stuffed
an empty cereal box and a ringbound datebook
and mail - down her PANTS.
I had HAD it and she fought me as I pulled them out.
Our walk was non-stop snarkiness as she insisted on wearing a
hot sweatshirt even though it was hot out.
She didnt want to sit during the walk-
So I walked and walked and walked her.
I know,
this disease only gets worse and worse.

Father called

The other day.
He asked how I was doing and if I could visit since he doesn't know
what happened to his car or he would drive over (ha)
Anyways, he asked how mother was doing, when I told him
about her calling in the late night, me being exhausted etc,
 he apologized.
He said something like if it werent for his actions in the past
I wouldnt be burdened with her.

I wonder if this is why he thinks I dont visit him...
I do not hold his leaving her against him, never did.
When he left her he cut off contact with me also-
I was devastated and worried about him-
I dont remember how, but I found him.
When i asked him back then why he cut off contact,
he said he assumed I would be angry with him and not want
any contact.

Strange, it never occurred to me to lay blame anywhere.
They both were in need of help.

......... still are

Train To Crazytown

I awoke reluctantly 45 min late this morning.
I have been getting over to mother's earlier and earlier in the morning
to catch her mental "balloon" and ground her with breakfast but this time
she had already been up for many hours.
Everything I mean EVERYTHING was packed up and gone.
Pictures off the walls, silverware, trash can, paper with my phone
number, you name it. I was
running around trying to find everything and saying WTF WTF? !
(dont worry she didnt hear me)
I did not find everything and sat her down to breakfast.
"My legs hurt" she said....
(well duh, you've been running around all night)

Ok, one thing was 'funny',
I found her trash can "packed" with stuffed animal, a plastic bag with a
poor plant inside, and her toothbrush.
Never did find the trash or a dolly, will go back when i am more awake
and maybe more mentally able to handle the crazy.
I pulled down her covers because I am hoping she will take a nap.

She is beyond the ten year mark and I know it only gets worse
before the end comes.
Both the women here whose husband's had ALZ lost them this past
month after they sent them to the hospital.
They were unable to get them into a home because
homes are too full around here, so hospital
was the only route...

Typing this post is scary and depressing
and so many people are going through it..

Dad

Poor guy looks tired.
I wish he was living in a better place, he deserves it.
All he has is a hospital bed surrounded by a curtain.

Companion for mom

Well, so far the new companion is working out.
My only clue is how I find mother afterwards.
She is calm and not agitated.
Oh, and very hungry, I find her digging out everything from the
refrigerator at 4pm!
The woman comes twice a week 1-3pm and takes her for a walk outside.
Then gives her a bowl of fruit with yogurt.

Lately, I have been removing photos from her place, she digs out
big boxes of framed photos and becomes agitated because she
doesnt know who they are and wants them to have them back-
Ok, I will give them back to them I say....
All these things she wants out and then asks where all her things went.
I just answer that its all here.
I mean, she doesnt even know where she is, who I am, or who she is
sometimes !
...................................................
I had some good times with her taking her to the beach, going to
exercise classes, shopping, conversations... all gone now.
She used to be a real ass, I am glad to have healed that.
Same with my father.
These two people have been with me my whole life.

ALZ is Fatal

One hundred percent of the time.
My friend's husband just passed away today.
His body was fine
until his brain quit and shut it down.
At least I was granted, by no coincidence,
to give my friend a tight hug yesterday.
In memory of Happy.

Hyper-awareness

This is SO true!!
http://cleaninghousebook.blogspot.com/2015/05/presence.html

I wish I could leave a comment over there, I never quite understood
the depth of what I was doing all the time.

No Judgement But

Two wives that live here have husbands with Alzheimer disease.
Wife number one is one of those people who constantly talk
about themselves. Her own poor health and how her (sweet)
husband is SO difficult getting into things.
Yesterday she told me she got him into a home, then went
on and on about herself. I left her like I usually do when she does
this. Yes it can be viewed as rude, but I just don't feel the
obligation to listen to her. I was also in shock.
She had two aids coming every day and plenty of opportunities
to do her own thing.
I feel badly for her husband.
He was a nice guy, not mean and very charismatic.

Wife number two is my friend.
Her husband went from a sweet man to a violent one.
She was afraid to sleep, was hit, things thrown at her etc.
Medications worked a little while.
They would sit and color with mom and I until....
The last time I saw them was when he tried to jump out of her car.
She called police and ambulance and had him taken to hospital.
They had him in hard restraints...
She stayed with him.
After a couple weeks there, he is now in Hospice.
WHAT???
She is sleeping over there with him.
Apparently he isnt eating and his body is shutting down....
Maybe this is for the best, I mean he isnt going to get better right?

Two very different couples...
one terminal disease.
UPDATE-
after I posted this both of them passed away.

Questions then Silence

I just realized that I am not answering a hundred questions a day....
Maybe it is because she is losing her ability to speak
maybe it is because we don't do 'scary' things anymore....
I just realized I am not living in "Groundhog Day" any more....
.....................................
wow.....

Decisions

A few weeks ago I met and interviewed a companion service for mom.
My mother was in a good mood so I overlooked things that bothered
me about it.
The field person was down to earth and found my mother to be
sweet as she puttered around listening to music.
My mother even wanted the lady to stay...
The next appointment was to meet the companion.
She was pretty late, went to wrong building.
I had her sit down and do a puzzle with mom.
It seemed ok until I saw my mother's surprised expression when
she saw the lady was brown..
After this interview though, my opinion of the company went down.
They were supposed to call and come by for deposit-
never did.
The young woman I interviewed "went on vacation" for a week.
I called them about scheduling for twice a week and was told
they would get back to me-
never did.
they seemed to sound funny when I mentioned her "vacation".
The DAY the companion was supposed to show for first real
day they called me at ten thirty in the morning to say they
"Had a situation" and the woman had been in hospital.
No replacement and scheduled another companion interview
for the NEXT week= so that makes it Three weeks!

At the prompting of my bf I called another agency.
This field person showed up early, got into this building
and found my apartment .
My mother wasnt all giddy this time and just sat quietly
during the interview...
The interview was MUCH different in that the woman
was living the caregiver life for her own parents and so
was the owner of the franchise.
The franchise is owned by people who live in the
close-knit town my mother used to live in.
She didnt placate me with sales pitches, or say she
"loved" my mother like the other woman...
She had all the paperwork with her, legal documents for privacy,
doctor info etc. all there to sign.
I decided to go for it and gave her the deposit.
When she left I called the other place and
(just in case) I told them mom had a cold and canceled
the interview with another companion.
I cannot juggle two companies,
I really hope I made the right decision.

My friend whose husband tried to jump out of her car
ended up having to immediately be taken to hospital.
His violent combative behavior has not abated enough to
go to a home yet...
My heart aches for her.
It is just astounding how quickly he changed in just
a year.

Too Funny, Too Sad

Yesterday I found something that made me laugh out loud.
My mother sees the flecks on her bathroom floor as
being bugs.
I found a piece of tissue paper with bits of bread on it
as bait on the floor .
Oh lordy LoL !
I didnt say anything, just flushed it -
Too funny

I am thankful she isnt combative (yet?)
My friend's husband with ALZ.
 has gone over the edge with combative
nasty violent behavior.
I witnessed him trying to get out of her car while stopped at
a light the other day-
she had to run the light to keep him from jumping out.
She is suffering from PTSD already and getting worse
from him being violent towards her.

This article is The Best

https://www.answers4families.org/book/export/html/1

Some quotes-

False things people say-

1. "Your family member would never want you to do this for them, they would want you to get on with your life." What does this comment mean to any of us who are caring for a family member? This statement is about justifying what feels like abandonment. It is not about comfort.
2. "Enough about your family member, I want to know how you're doing."

The primary caregiver and the family member become entwined in ways that are often not recognized or valued by outsiders. There is a deep and often very complex bond that forms between the caregiver and the family member. When well-meaning helpers exclude the family member in their attempt to focus on the caregiver's needs, it often serves to isolate the caregiver even more.

"No one should have to sacrifice their lives for another." Caring for another human being is about unconditional love. It is not about being a patsy. Those of us who take on the challenge feel that it isn't a sacrifice in the negative sense of that word. Our care is about commitment and obligation. Whatever our reasons, they are ours, and they are not for anyone else to judge.

My father might have pneumonia.
Not sure how the home diagnosed this, but they put him on
antibiotics. what if it is the ecoli back again?
I spoke to him three days ago.... I think whenever he is about to
get sick he calls me :(

I really shouldn't read the alzheimer forums when i am already
upset. All the stories of them going crazy makes me fearful of
the future.
I am meeting with a companion service monday here at
my mother's.
Squelching all this emotion is making me feel a need to
seek a place to "be quiet and listen"...

You Have to Laugh

Yesterday I was over mother's to make her dinner.

I found the dish liquid in the freezer and

the dish washing tub in the refrigerator !

There was a myriad of other kooky placed items

but those gave me a surprise.

She awakened me early  this morning not knowing where

she was, so it's another groggy day.

zzzzzzzzzz 

Memory is such a strange thing

As my mother's brain shrinks, her ability to function waxes and wanes.
Some weeks she is incapable of caring for herself properly
and the next she is making herself breakfast.
I think this is when the brain shrinks it takes a few days for it
to form new pathways to find the information she is looking for.

She understands the "family" she is looking for is dead,
but she cannot help herself in wanting to "go home".
She doesn't know what state she lives in, does not think of me as
family, thinks no one knows where she is because no one visits.
Recently she has called me early in the morning quite afraid
thinking she has fallen asleep in someone else's place
and has to get out of there.
Poor thing..... I gave her tight hugs, reassurance, and a bowl of cereal.
Back to bed she went, and i found her later
up and dressed doing exercises !!

Mother is like a box of chocolates
you never know what you'll get.

Visuoperceptual difficulties

New word for what my mother is having.
She has a lot of these things going on and getting worse
by the week.
Sorry this is messed up, it is copied from a pdf...

 

Visuoperceptual difficulties in people with dementia
The specific difficulties a person experiences will depend on the type of dementia they have. This is because each type of dementia can damage the visual system in a different way.
Difficulties may include:
• decreased sensitivity to differences in contrast (including colour contrast such as black and white, and contrast between objects and background)
• reduced ability to detect movement
• changes to the visual field (how much you can see around the edge of your vision, while looking straight ahead)

• reduced ability to detect different colours (for example, a person may have problems telling the difference between blue and purple)
• changes to the reaction of the pupil to light
• problems directing or changing gaze
• problems with the recognition of objects, faces and colours
• loss of ability to name what has been seen • double vision
• problems with depth perception. Dementia can also result in difficulties with orientation. This in turn can lead to:
• bumping into things • swerving to avoid door frames • difficulties reaching for things within the visual environment (such as a cup of tea or door handle) • getting lost or disorientated, even in familiar environments.
Some noticeable consequences of the above changes include:
• difficulties reading and writing, doing puzzles or playing board games
• problems locating people or objects, even though they may be in front of the person – this may be because of other distracting visual information (such as patterned wallpaper) or because of a lack of colour contrast (for example, not seeing mashed potato on a white plate) • misinterpreting reflections – this may manifest as seeing an ‘intruder’ or refusal to go into a bathroom because reflections make it appear occupied • mistaking images on the TV for real people
• difficulty in positioning oneself accurately to sit down in a chair or on
the toilet – sometimes this difficulty is mistaken for incontinence
• appearing confused or restless owing to an environment that is visually over-stimulating and difficult to navigate.
 Visuoperceptual difficulties can also lead to problems moving around.
These problems can make a person fearful of falling and lead to them slowing down their movements while they try to walk safely.
If carers understand this, they can try to anticipate these situations, help explain what is being encountered, offer their arm for support, offer encouragement and slow down their own movements. Specific difficulties that people with dementia may have when moving  around include:
• misjudging distances and where objects are, even in familiar environments
• stepping very highly over carpet rods or shadows because the change in colour looks like a change in level
• difficulties going down stairs due to problems judging how many steps there are and where the next one is • avoiding shiny flooring because it appears wet or slippery

mother called at 5am yesterday and 3am today.
Of course she is fine and we are walking zombies here.
Her  front tooth broke off from an old repair and guess what,
I dont want to deal with it. Why? because the same thing
happened to all my dads teeth and he never did anything.
she will fight the entire thing, so i just keep an eye for infection.
These days are just about keeping ontop of the crazy and giving
her good meals and snacks of fruit.
Daily outings of an hour and a half for walk and socializing.
Once a week teeth flossing and nails, ears.
The cold keeps her inside so its coloring, puzzles, stitching,
watching others play beanbag game and wii bowling,
all in the community room.
Sometimes I'm ok, most times lately i say "mean" things to
her when she doesnt have her hearing aids in.
Shrug...

Neighbor?

I live on the same floor as my mother and the floor residents sort
of look after one another, at least as far as we know who belongs.
When one moves out or passes away there is a bit of angst as to
what will move in and whether it will be a weirdo or druggie.
So far we have been extremely lucky.
I am a bit nervous about the apt right next to my mothers being vacant.
She has a habit of standing in her doorway and I am nervous about
someone forcing their way in.
Anyways, I saw the apt being shown yesterday to a nice elderly man
I know!  I hope he takes it.
All things work together......

Mother things to do

Stiching plastic web with multicolored yarn.
I have to oversee each stitch though.

And coloring

 

My Sister

Thank goodness one of my siblings was born the strong
outspoken one.
She had what she called a 'summit" with a roomfull at the
nursing home where dad is.
I thanked her profusely for doing this, what I never would have
been able to do.
She brought to thier attention that I had received a phone call
asking ME if they should send a critically ill man to the hospital.

Also, about how I recieved two completely different stories about
how my father was doing after he returned to the home.
The nurses station stating how poorly he was,
not eating, not taking meds, sleeping alll the time-
and the physisians assistant saying he was eating lunch, taking meds,
and is "fine".
My sister was told it was a case of miscommunication.
(-- Personally, given the attitude the RN had on the phone,
I tend to believe the nurses desk woman. )

She was also told that this will happen again because
of his weakened condition and having a foley catheter
that they have to keep clean.

PS. Yes, there are alot of spelling errors here.

Mom's Funny

The other night I was tired from the stress of dad's situation
and was sitting in a chair with my feet up on the couch arm.
My mother walked infront of my feet and "Bopped" her
rear-end out , hitting my feet with it.
" Waaah! You kicked me ! "
she pretended to cry.
LOL !!

Laugh

The other night my mother called me at 8:45pm
late for her.
She was confused so I walked over.
She was jabbering on as I chastized her for it being so late
and that it was time to go to bed !
I helped her off with her multiple shirts
and then I did a funny thing...
I unclasped her bra from under her undershirt,
slipped off one strap, then I tugged on the second strap-
Yep, the bra tugging on her boobs, she looked at me and exclaimed
"what are y..."  and ZIP I pulled the brazzier out the sleeve.
Oh the laughter and giggling was priceless, hahaha

Time to go to bed!
I kept exclaiming as I got her in her jammies and
she asked why I was shutting off the kitchen lights.
Time for bed mom,
time for bed,
nighty night......

Sepsis and A-fib

The hospital was supposed to send my father back to the
nursing home today. I haven't found out about this yet.
He has ecoli blood sepsis and afibrilation .
He was "critically" ill...
If I had the energy I would press the home about how they
handled this situation.
I will have to...

Dad In Hospital

I received a phone call from the nursing home saying
dad was ill. Not eating, vomiting, temperature up.
She asked if I wanted to send him to hospital or keep
him "comfortable" and they would administer antibiotics.
Uh, Hospital  !
What the heck do they mean "keep him comfortable"?
to die?
He is in the ICU with sepsis, heart fibrillations,
lungs full of mucus, bladder infection.
My sister had seen him three days before and i had
spoken to him on the phone then also but
I guess we didn't pick up on it.
My sister,bf and I visited today and
he was doing better.
May be being moved out of ICU tomorrow.

mother

I entered mother's apartment today to find her about to call me.
" I was about to call (me)
are you (me) ? "

Yes I am (me)  !
I am here to get you some lunch ! :D

....... sigh.......
this is getting harder for me to digest....
maybe it is just today but I am mourning the losses.
Perhaps it was seeing old photos of when I lived with her
after my divorce and we used to go to an exersize program
together.
My mental and physical health got restored during that time..

shit this is going to be hard.

Cold weather

With it too cold to sit outside and feed the birds
I had to find mother something to do.
I found these round plastic forms to stich.
She does very well, but i have to be there for each and every
stich. Up down up down up down -
i got yarn that changes color and specific needles.

So, now it will be months of coloring, beading, puzzles,
stitching.
Her speech is more times than not pretty much nonsense
or nutty questions. She still gets dressed on her own and
washes up. Likes to keep everything put away, much to
her own detriment - like when she put away the phone !
I cannnot stay over there very long because she paces around
doing stuff or pointing out things about the apartment that have
been like that for years.