Able to Focus

Mom's eyes were focusing much better this visit
she actually looked at me.
She was singing and happy and ate her entire meal.

Sitting with us was a woman named Jane and her resident husband
who has been there eight (?) years?
He doesnt have Alzheimer but cannot communicate and is in one
of those giant wheelchairs.
I was worried about him over the holidays because he was sick.
She said he had had a huge seizure yesterday.
She was there with another couple who are friends of her and
her husband - good friends who still visit after all these years.
Anyways, she tried to get him to drink thickened liquid to
no avail.
 He had forgotten how to swallow.
... she was trying to hide the pain but I realized how
frightening this situation was for her.
She has been feeding him for so many many years.

She Smiled !

When I visited on the 18th there was someone playing a guitar
and mom was front and center enjoying it.
She was able to focus better and smiled many times.
I brought an American girl doll that i had found at thrift store for $4
just incase I needed it .
It was a good visit !
You can see how they lose the ability to look around..

Hospital

2018 the year mom forgot who I was.

Last Monday I was on the phone a few times discussing mom's cold and cough.
Then she fell again and the nurse didnt like the position her leg was in
and refused to get her up insisting she go to the hospital.
She wasnt in pain and I would have just gotten her up but I wasnt there, so.
She was in the hospital from 7 to midnight or something like that.
I didnt go and called a few times.
The secretary said she was sitting across from mom and said she was laying
quietly. That concerned me deeply!
Anyways, all blood work, urine, xrays ect. were fine.

The next day she got up around 10am and
 her aid Nichole said mom was great and she was able to give her a shower
 ( wow )

I visited wednesday after finding out her floor was no longer quarantined.
She would go from friendly to crabby and then back again so i had to
be careful as I covertly clipped ( most of ) her nails.
Taking a selfie with my phone she said
"Thats me, who's the other "
I said my name a few times but she drew a blank.
.
.
.
Nichole thought it was funny that mom turned her hat around
backwards and I said yep, thats how she wears it :)

Caring For Your Abuser

I have to admit that caring for my parents has been the biggest
mind soul twist of my life.

The other day I was visiting my mother
she was kissing everyone and asking if they loved her.
At one point she chased after a resident who was being taken
out by a friend . She was extremely upset yelling for them to
wait for her...
The nurse did the best thing you could do-
instead of trying to stop her from banging on the door trying to exit,
she opened the locked door and went out with her.
Perfect.
As you can see, how could I not feel sorry for someone
so confused and needing comfort.
I sat with her on a couch and held her tight.
As she slowly caressed my arms and kissed me I was overcome
with nausea and my skin crawled
I wanted to scream and run away...


.
But I also wished i lived closer to be able to hug her
every day
.
.

Honoring The Dead

When I was at mom's memory care place I witnessed first hand what
they do when someone passes away.

Usually the person is transported out a side entrance and secretly
whisked away leaving people to wonder what happened...

Not here.
Here they sound a bell over the intercom
and everyone stops what they were doing.
They then line the passageway from where the person passed
 all the way to the front door.
All the staff, even the kitchen. It can be quite a ways.
They stand quietly and wait..............
The deceased person is then wheeled by, covered by a quilt......
followed by family if they are there.
Then the line closes behind them and
everyone follows the procession to the front door exit
to the waiting vehicle.

I was amazed.
 I have never ever seen the dead honored
this way except veterans.

Out With The Old In With The New

Brought in a huge bag of sweaters for mom today.
Had the aid open the stupid locked dresser drawers that no one can open
and found... Sweaters! They had asked me for sweaters-
welp thats what they get for locking the drawers.
Anyways, I took out a big bag of ruined clothing-
Shrunk to death, grey from colors running in the laundry,
Crispy hard from drying for hours. I took the bag and tossed it into the
dumpster.
I had lunch with mom....
She was pretty low key today, not drugged up they dont do that,
just not high or low.
I stayed for two hours and let the aids do their thing and she ate
very well. I forgot to bring a protein bar so I ended up eating
salad and cookies. Ugh. my waistline sucks.
anyways,
then i went thrifting and thats going on my other blog lol

Bad Mood Mother

As soon as I entered the wing I could hear my mother yelling at
someone " NO!"
Her aid said mom was "in a mood today" and wouldnt let anyone touch
or direct her and hitting. 
Ugh.
I waved and said Hi and she was still speaking harshly telling me to
go away and then to not put things there ( on the counter) etc...
So I went towards the lunch tables with her following until
she was telling me to sit DOWN ! on the couch.
I went to the table with everyone else deciding to let the aids
deal with directing her. she was being very snarky and threatening
me with her rollator.
After a while an aid somehow got her to the table and seated-
she had a big blanket which I carefully took away-
She wanted Every Thing and Every One away from her
so I moved one chair away and didnt look at her till
she calmed down. She was telling me to GO
that i was "running around downstairs and now up here nya-nya-nya"
I found it very interesting that she was relaxed speaking to another
resident .... i am very glad about that.
Personally I think it is all the Halloween headgear people had on
but who knows. It happens at christmas too.
Maybe it was that I had skipped a week to go on vacation.

I do know that fear comes out as anger for people with Alzheimer

Alzheimer and Being Married

I have witnessed many married folk here feeding their loved ones.
Watching them deal with the stages of decline...

"He spoke! Oh I have missed your voice"
"Wake up sweety, take a bite"
" Why is he sleeping only when i am here?"
"Open your eyes, There you go"
"Ice cream will you eat ice cream?"

Going from giggling and smiling
to open-mouthed slack faced nothing.
No, not medication
just the disease.

A husband was being taught how to spoon feed his wife
who he had brought pizza every day-
He started to cry and left the room.
You know what is coming
you see it everywhere there.
I just think it is more difficult for the husbands and wives.
They are left alone in the house they bought together
They have the grandchildren and want so badly to share with them

Meanwhile my mom is still eating food
and the other day was singing gibberish loudly so we all clapped to the beat
and applauded laughing because we had no idea what she was singing
or where that came from .
She is still quite mobile and can be difficult at times but she keeps them
laughing .

She said she hear a man calling her name.... "hear it?
"  Dorothy.              -            Dorothy.  "

September Smile

Mom smiled at me
she is really concentrating at looking at me and smiling :D

Not bad for ninety two eh?

I dont bother posting about weekly falls on here
but they usually find her on the floor in someones room.
Still visit once a week to have lunch with her and she is doing really well.
Disease hasnt progressed much in a long time.

She Pinched Me

Mom was fine until a little while after she was given her meds.
Then she started doing weird things like lining up
her ziti in rows instead of eating it like she was.
Then after a couple bites of blueberry pie
she insisted  upon mixing it with her pasta and sauce.
I tried to pull the plate back and ohhh she pinched my arm
so hard and held on.
 I caressed her hand and spoke softly to her till she released
me.
I told her I Love You in her ear...
and she replied angrily "You hate yourself!"

I left her to mix the meal into a black mess
gathered my things and said goodbye.
I cant take it.

Unfortunately this episode triggered me pretty hard.
Self-loathing has been a battle since i was a toddler
brought up in a house of anger and resentment.

Staff Changes have me upset

This year the memorycare where mom lives changed their name.
This would be fine except I have been noticing other things going
on since that happened.
Namely they let go of, or a few main people left.
Then just this past couple weeks the people who replaced them
quit.
I have also noticed a bunch of aids have been missing and
strangers have been feeding the residents.
The week before last I was there and one aid never returned from lunch!
The "battleaxe" nurse - gosh i havent seen her in a month even though
they say she is still working there.
 Personally I think the company got sold.
Last week I brought up all the changes at the meeting.
I said all these changes were scaring me.
Well, the woman's reply did not make me feel better
she said the changes ARE SCARY. 
but that the resident's care was foremost
and that they were hiring new extra people to feed
and look after the residents.
The way she acted like she was nervous/scared did not help at all.

The table at the meeting consisted of people from downstairs that
did not know my mother at all. Never met her.
Only one person I knew, and she was the one who admitted to
being scared.

Past Two Visits

The past two visits were one of poop
and the next of pee.
Sooo I didn't post about them since that's what the visit consisted of.
Ok, thats all i can recall of them which sucks...
mom and aids fussing and fighting in the bathroom.
"She's like this because you are here" (sigh)

mom was snarky and unrested last time and I found out a couple days
later her room mate had gone to the hospital and is now in the
"family room"
This is a private room they provide for you to be with your loved
one as they pass on .
She was a gentle mother who LOVED her baby doll and sang a
Polish tune consisting of the Polish word for whore over and over.
It really was funny.
oh well...
So many many residents there "disappear" one week in their same chair
then at some point I realize they have been gone.
I swear it must be a very difficult place to work.

I make mental notes as to the stages i see happen prior to that...
cannot feed ones self/ soft food only
cannot talk
Losing the knowledge of how to walk
Laughing and crying out of the blue
leaning
sleeping really deeply

Mom Was Great

I went to see mom yesterday and she was sitting on a couch "reading".
She actually smiled when I greeted her!
The bruise from the back of her head has traveled down the side
all the way to under her chin.
I learned from a worker that the sound of mom hitting the floor was
heard across the entire place. As the lady told me, she cringed and
shook off chills.
Omg. this broke my heart. Poor mom :'''(

But she was doing better than i have seen in months-
she actually was able to focus on my phone and, get this,
RECOGNIZE HERSELF !!
Oh, and Smile for a selfie of us !
She said 'Is that me? Oh dear...... " as in Ugh
- like I say when i see myself LoL

She ate all her lunch and a cookie, bossed me around
"Sit Down!" and i sat down and made a face at her to which she
responded back with pop-out eyes of exasperation haha.
Thank goodness with her in there I can be the daughter
and not the caregiver.
After the visit I went to the "Reflections" room.
It is a private little room with a stained glass window to just sit
or have a little cry...

I hope when she goes she is blessed with going quickly
Love you mom

Hit Her Head

mom fell back and hit the back of her head .
Unfortunately the bedrooms are not carpeted .
The aid heard the fall but didnt come out of the bathroom right away
being in the bathroom with a patient and not knowing what the
sound had been (?)
She was found laying on the floor in pain.
When they called me they said she was (curled up?)
saying her head hurt
and shoulder hurt, her blood pressure was 200+ , then 100+
They sent her to hospital for CT scan and xray.
She was then later sent 'home' as she was getting quite agitated
and everything was clear.
Personally I highly doubt you can get a clear picture from a
person with alzheimers as they do not understand anything .

I am left wondering once again what her end will be like
easy? hard? long suffering ?
What will I do when she goes?
Will i do what i did with dad and just have the coroner retrieve her?
Will I go there and wait for the coroner?
i probably should because its kinda like a family over there.....

Allergies

I asked them to look back in her charts to last year
when they put mom on antihistamines.
Noticed last time i was there she was sniffing and along with that
congested cough it goes together with post nasal drip causing nausea.
I dont know why she was sleeping alot though.
Anyways, the head nurse decided to put her on Claritin because
her eyes are now all red from her rubbing them.
Interesting how this all started once they turned on the
air conditioning.
Last night they called to say she was
"back to baseline" running around ( haha)


During all this I was becoming anxious because this
was happening during the time of my dad passing in 2016.
whew, taking a breath

When they call you

It always annoys me when the home calls you and leaves you hanging.

"Your mother was found on the floor last night ( it is 2pm now)
in someone elses room.
She was dry heaving this morning so we are going to have the nurse look
at her later and start UTI proticol "

So i guess the camera in her room isnt being watched.
They were doing better with the regular bed checks with her.

On the Phone?

When I found mom today she was attempting to pick up
someones oxygen machine to hold it to her ear like a phone.
For the next hour at lunch she held her hand to her ear and
had a "phone" conversation with no one.... answering questions
and "listening" intently while she ate.
I felt pretty left out as she wouldnt even look at me.
Another woman was having a conversation with no one
so i joked and said they were on the phone together.
Others at the table laughed.
I finally got the "phone" out of her hand by offering her a drink
and then occupied the hand with a cookie.
She was really cold and congested so i got her a sweater and told
the nurse who took her temp. and listened to her lungs and heard nothing.
I also pointed out her terribly sausaged legs from the support sock wrinkles.

After lunch she got up and said "I dont feel well" and that she was tired
so I got her tucked warmly into a chair to nap.

More items were missing from her room and her drawers were
practically empty.

A little smile of comfort

Waiting For Me

When I approached the door I could see mom with her back to me with a person
speaking to her trying to get her to move along.
I came in and the woman said mom had been standing there waiting for someone.
I told her that yes, mom was waiting for me and that we had a 'connection'.
( after mom went into the home I have since had to ignore it because it is too much
for me)
We walked to the kitchen and she counted the cars that went by the window
until lunch came. Thank goodness she still has a great appetite.

I went to her room to see if the flowers were still there, yep-
but the 20 blue mardi gras necklaces were not to be found
and neither was the quilted thing my sister made.

Anyways, mom looked great and was happy.
I made the mistake of going to the store marshalls afterwards and buying stuff
from clearance after I had just been to tj maxx and done the same thing - eek.




.

May 10

Visited mom finally.
There was a new coordinator there and she had not met me and was
being extra "helpful" trying to tell mom she had a visitor.
mom does not understand such things.
I politely acknowledged the woman and brought some bunches of
fake flowers to mom's room.
Her Ikea orchid and other decorations have disappeared from her dresser
so I brought packing tape and atatched the bunches to the back
of the dresser and pushed it against the wall.
I can just see people pulling them out though - sigh.
Lunch was ok, she ate everything, but every time the new woman
walked by mom would point at her suspiciously..

After lunch there was a careplan meeting about her
there are alot of new staff so i tried to fill them in about her-
The new woman said mom didnt seem to like Meditation and walks out-
to which i replied that mom cannot hear so it must be pretty boring.
I told her mom likes to walk, sing, read aloud but she has no glasses any more,
and go outside.
I asked her day person if she is still playing with her poop in the toilet
= yes. I just wish they had the staff to keep her from that- The
new lady said she is busy all day running after mom.
I was exhausted at the end of the meeting.

I looked in each room after finding a man asleep in moms bed
and finally found her trying on someones shoes.
She wanted to nap but wouldnt lay with me because I couldnt answer
her repeated gibberish question...
I sat next to her on the bed and she began to shout to a non-existent
person behind her like i wasnt there - it was too much for me.
She didnt understand me and I didnt understand her.
................................................................................................................
I did not go see her on 'mother's day'

My Cold From Hell

My last visit to see mom was April 5th (?)
I had a tiny cough then.
It slowly became a monster virus
of sore throat, temp., goopy eyes, coughing, giant tonsils
and no sleep .
I still have a cough and my voice is pretty rough.

I still cannot go see mom !!!
Time is so short with Alzheimers and this time away is precious time gone.

I swear I am SO thankful I didnt give it to her when I saw her last-
it would have killed her for sure- I felt like hell.
I give that place where she is credit for keeping them well
against the flu etc.

Perfect Show about Alzheimer Disease

How not to fall into the bottomless pit of
"I can do it myself"
As soon as you see the symptoms start visiting places and put them
on the list. The good memory care places take years to open .
Another way to get your foot into the door is to join things
like day care or caregiving meetings there-
That way they know you and your person.
Thinking you will never place them is a fantasy...
like a drowning person they will pull you under and kill you.
The husbands where my mom is all share a table with their wives and
socialize as they feed them.
Having your loved one in a home allows you to stop being a caregiver
and return to being what you were - a husband, wife, daughter, son....

I liked this video because it reaffirms my knowledge of what is to come.
One step at a time...
Please watch while you can.

 https://www.cbsnews.com/news/alzheimers-disease-following-a-couple-from-diagnosis-to-the-final-stages/

Mom is ninety one !

Still getting around , confused but good attitude
They had cake there so I made sure to get some for her to enjoy
and boy did she ever!
The thing around her neck is what they use as a bib. It is like a scarf
made of fleece - lots of patterns to choose from.
She has nail polish and clean hair, so happy they take good care of her.

Blood Pressure and Flu has returned

I got a phone call the week before last saying mom's pressure was 160 so I gave them permission to start medication.
When I went to visit her last week they said she had fallen in the night - I made sure it wasnt because her blood pressure was too low and the nurse said it was around 130 / 80 .
I then learned that the flu has returned to her floor - Ugh
Paper plates and plastic utensils , yuck.
One of the group of men his wife is the one with the flu. She was in the "family room"...
no one there likes that room because it is the one where you go when you are passing away.

 I ended up yacking the ear off an aid as she fed another resident...
She was shocked to find out I am not the only child since no one else visits.
Her family situation was similar in that she is 10yr younger than everyone else in her family-
But as far as helping care for parents , they all were active participants.

Mom was a bit more confused and a tad persnickety, she refused her medication and they dont push you to do things there.
Also her rollator was out for "repair" which i found to be strange...

I Loom Knitted a hat from soft yarn i found and sent it to a new friend.
.

My House

I walked through the door of mom's wing of the memory care place.
She was in someones room going through their things. Her aid was
leaving the room saying mom had shooed her away so she could stash
something in her pants haha.
Mom came out with me and I took off my coat.
She said 'dont leave it... making a motion I understood that she is afraid
of people taking things ( haha)
Then to my surprise she said
"Put it in my house "

What!!?? WOW
I couldnt believe the sentence or the fact she referred to her room as
her house!

We sat with a table full of husbands there feeding their wives and loud
yacking. I am glad they have someone to talk to.
We all got to talk about the nutty things our loved ones used to do
and baby proofing the houses and having to put deadlocks up high
on the doors. The stories of them walking away into the night
down the street to go "home".
How I had found mom had poured herself a nice glass of
dish liquid.

I am very sad to hear the one staff person I felt comfortable talking to isnt
there anymore.

Visiting just brings to the surface all the years I had with my parents
as a kid, and how it developed into an adult relationship that I miss terribly.

Everyone Sick

Everyone was in bed sick when i went to see mom.
She was sitting with a juice box that had squirted onto her pants but not sick.
I was really disturbed to see that the URI ( upper respiratory infection)
was still active after a month and had gotten to the point where everyone
was in bed!
They have been quarantined for two months already, even eating off paper plates
and plasticware.  The kitchen staff not even entering to deliver food.
Mom was still quite active and no cough or sniffle.

She gobbled down her lasagna and veg. and i got her jello.
I was washing my hands repeatedly and was so upset that no one was out
of bed all sleeping - Eeek!
one woman sat next to me and was doing something with my pants
i looked at her and she looked flushed ...
Hopefully mom wont get sick, but it would be a miracle.

i hate to think of how many we will lose from this

wah

Mom has been very busy "shopping" in everyones rooms
and falling asleep in various beds when the need arises.
Really, if you think about it , she doesnt know where her bed is.
Even when she fell she was trying to get back up on her own to keep on moving.

I had a nice visit yesterday... I found a local news paper and she
was "reading" it outloud to me. Gibberish, but she used to love the paper
and i dont mind.
She ate all her lunch of mac and cheese with a side of veg. I gave her three
cups of juice with one mixed with the yogurt drink.
Lots of smootches and head/ back rubs.
chocolate and a cookie.
It was all fine till I got my coat and was leaving....
"Where are you Going ??" she choked and started to cry.......
she wiped a tear from her eye.....
( my heart ripped from my chest)

I replied  I'm going shopping I'll be back .








.
fuck.
just fuck.