Bugs

A new symptom today
thinking spots have legs and are bugs.
Having a linoleum bathroom floor that is full of spots
must have been very frightening for her.
I had her get close to the floor and touch it to see that
they were not bugs.
She was astounded at when viewed closer, the
wiggling legs disappeared and it was just the floor pattern.
She agreed with me it must be her eyes.

New sypmtoms are handled calmly by me,
but they really knock me because they make me fear my
abilities to help.
My father saw bugs too! But i just bought him bug spray
and it didnt bother me at all!

memory care facility called and said she is on list
but still awaiting a bed....
I met with VNA today and will figure out help for
future.

Still Perturbed

I brought mother to her Senior Assessment a while ago and the doctor's comment
to me still pisses me off.
I asked him to write to the memory care place that i put mother on the list
a couple years ago.
He replied " Are you sure you want to do that? What will you do with yourself? "
I said " I have a life waiting for me "
What the hell ?????
 i have been caring for this woman since the eighties !
Yes, I do not know who I am without this,
but I sure as hell want to find out !
My father being in a home and not having to worry about
him is the best thing that happened to me.
Another thing that is irritating me is they gave her a new test.
The old test she got a zero.
This test she got a thirteen.  i was listening outside the door
and could hear the lady coaching mothers answers
" shoe, pen " etc.
The whole thing was / is aggravating me.

Abuse across the generations

My niece is still clinging to the fact her grandmother
hit her. Spanking and hitting were not forms of punishment
by her mother which adds to the trauma she still has even after
all these years .
Unfortunately memories of neglect and abuse still come to
mind for me also, even after I forgave and 'moved on'.
The fact that it happened never goes away
but dwelling on it is not helpful.

Where did I go?

Well it happened yesterday.
I had prepared myself and it really didn't bother me.
my mother looked at me as I was preparing dinner and said
"Where did _____ go ? "
Yep, she was looking me in the face and asking where i went.
I smiled and raised my hand and said " I'm right here "
and giggled.
She looked at me for a second and then laughed, embarrassed,
covering her face.
She has been more symptomatic these past couple days.
One hint the disease is progressing on a particular day
is her skin is warm.
This symptom comes and goes, but when it happens I
know she will be extra confused.

Zero Memory

Spent the entire afternoon with mother at a huge
block party where we live.
She ate a hotdog and chips and two icecreams!
I brought her back to her place at the daily same time
and went back alone to walk about and socialize.
Then returned to her place an hour later...
"Looks like a nice day out, have you been out yet?"
she says.
I describe what we did all day to her amazement.
She remembered none of it .
I was exhausted and she couldnt understand why.
Such a strange disease !