Seeing Things Not There

The past couple of days my mother has been obsessed with watching
out her big window. She pulled up her poang chair and refused to get up,
instead calling me over to confirm what she was seeing.
"Come here! Look! Can you see them? "
Children and people getting into cars -
There! See? can you see them?! "
Ok, here's the thing...
She was looking at the sky and trees....
no clouds....
Oh dear.
It took some convincing to get her away from the window,
she got ticked when i put the blinds down and opened them-
I figured it would "break up" the visions.
It worked.
But with every predictable stage or event it gets harder
because I get more scared....
Now she wont bathe herself and each shower I give
her i wonder if it will be the last.

Finally

I finally got the nerve to go visit my father last Friday.
I coped with the heart pounding in my chest as I drove by
not thinking about what I was doing.
The visit went well, he was in his bed because pneumonia
was going around.
I showed him a doll I made and pictures.

Unfortunately, my sister did not visit the next day and bring
him chocolate like I thought she would.
Apparently she is having huge anxiety about visiting also!
Because of this, he has been calling so much her voicemail box
has been full for weeks and he is now calling ME -
AAaaaaak !!!
 like this morning at 6:30am...... ok fine, I had to go over
mother's anyways to make her breakfast before she...
too late- she was eating canned greenbeans.

Father calls because he is sick

Turns out that my father was at the start of pneumonia when
he was calling and calling...
I though maybe he was hungry or just wanted chocolate.

My doctor told me that my mother would BE in a home if I weren't
taking such good care of her. She said the only way she'll be in
a home is for her to (somehow) go into the hospital where she would not
be allowed to go home and live alone.
She told me to get her Dr. to Move It and get going on this.

I was so impatient with mother yesterday.
She had packed her wastebasket and used the dirty tissues
as packing. Various items like books and brushes tied into hanging
bathrobe using the belt. Pant hangers used to clip pant legs full
of things and hung in closet.
After lunch I went to take her for walk and she had stuffed
an empty cereal box and a ringbound datebook
and mail - down her PANTS.
I had HAD it and she fought me as I pulled them out.
Our walk was non-stop snarkiness as she insisted on wearing a
hot sweatshirt even though it was hot out.
She didnt want to sit during the walk-
So I walked and walked and walked her.
I know,
this disease only gets worse and worse.

Father called

The other day.
He asked how I was doing and if I could visit since he doesn't know
what happened to his car or he would drive over (ha)
Anyways, he asked how mother was doing, when I told him
about her calling in the late night, me being exhausted etc,
 he apologized.
He said something like if it werent for his actions in the past
I wouldnt be burdened with her.

I wonder if this is why he thinks I dont visit him...
I do not hold his leaving her against him, never did.
When he left her he cut off contact with me also-
I was devastated and worried about him-
I dont remember how, but I found him.
When i asked him back then why he cut off contact,
he said he assumed I would be angry with him and not want
any contact.

Strange, it never occurred to me to lay blame anywhere.
They both were in need of help.

......... still are