Brain MRI

 The scan taken in december 17th showed an anomaly  

ptsd or ?

That last episode really threw me and my poor brain for a loop. I still have a hard

time approaching the subject of my mother without my brain doing strange things.

Actually, I had been having terrible brain problems- so bad I felt as though I had 

had a stroke. I could barely stand being without balance, cannot think or recall,

 my vision was doubled, and it seemed as though I was having lightning flashes

strike my brain, shortness of breath. 

I couldnt speak as it was all breathy and i couldnt get the words out without

being exhausted after 4 words.My vocal cords were too open.

honestly at one point i felt like i was going to die

All this had been going on for a month? till it subsided slowly this week. 

But anything sets it off .

takes a breath... 

my brain is tired of me being brave , I am tired of being brave.

But it isnt over... 

i have the plastic bag of ashes box in my bedroom. 

supposedly the urn i ordered off Etsy is on its way.

thats all i can type now

Empty Urn

 You read that right.

I called and spoke to Celia who said to meet her at the funeral home.

We went through the painful heart break of picking up my 

mothers urn and my keepsake.

During the night my brain kept playing over and over the scene where

the woman ( was Not Celia) picked at the sticker on the bottom of my keepsake

talking about how you remove it and there is a screw where the ashes are.

I was quite dizzy during this meeting and didnt recall what she said

about anything else.

All I recall thinking that night was 

they were supposed to fill it, and why does the felt sticker seem like it

hasnt been removed .

Finally I got out of bed and scraped the sticker off and opened it.

Empty.  

I was really bewildered.... i kept looking in there with a flashlight. 

I emailed them saying "isnt it supposed to have ashes in it?"

I thought maybe i was in error thinking they would do it.

Round and round my thoughts went all night. Thinking of how could i trust 

them to really put my moms ashes into it and that I would get up the courage

to watch incase they tried something.

The next morning my attention turned to my moms urn......

what if ....... 

I got it out of the velvet bag, it weighed 17 pounds it Must have the cremains in it 

Right?

wrong. 

First the nursing home breaks her leg and is full of deceit 

now this. 

Then the funeral home what... tries to rip me off? 

I called and Mike says that he saw the email and that he would come

pick up the urn and keepsake, take them back to the funeral home

and fill the keepsake. Ya Right. He thinks I dont know the urn is 

EMPTY. 

I exclaim "ITS EMPTY" and he replies yes I will fill it for you.

The URN is EMPTY!  and he had zero reaction. 

He KNEW. 

I said No, this is what we are going to do. I am going to bring this urn 

back and you are going to give me my mothers ashes. 

By now the urn was ruined and was bringing me trauma.

We brought back the urn and he said something about it being

an mistake and I replied We could have buried an empty urn!

I had him open the box so I could see the bag inside with the metal

tag and the certificate. 

How do I know they didnt just do all this Now?? 

How do I know they didnt just fake all this after the phone call?

you cannot just "look up" those numbers to compare them.

Celia ( the owner) called me wanting to make amends and saying how she wasnt 

there that morning.

I replied "we saw you there" - another lie. 

Reporting the nursing home resulted in nothing

why bother reporting this when all it does is result in lies

and me suffering ptsd. 

insult to injury

someone hit my car 

I think my luck has run out, or passed away.

 I sent an incident report to DHS FLIS 

I just HAD to do Something.

They called me the next day and I just about fainted with anxiety.

They will inspect and recommend better new employee training.

I mean really, what can they do.

At least they called me and asked me questions, I emailed a copy

of the xray report.

Unfortunately my body is in high alert now 

Full Red Alert 

I keep finding my shoulders up by my ears

even while typing this!

 

I looked at my calendar

oh, 

its only been 13 days 

Hard choices

 During the long goodbye I would look through an urn catalogue 

and chose some pretty flowery ones.

Turns out the place doesnt use that company any more

Plus, now that she has actually passed, there are now feelings of grief.

Feelings about truly representing her....

Am I choosing the pretty blue flowery one for me ?

I asked the place for more catalogues - SO annoying everything is online now.

I cannot just flip through a book and make notes, fold pages.

Her favorite saying was "Lets go to the beach!"

I found one made to look like sand with shells and footprints.

But it wasnt fancy

I had a reaction to it though...

Mom, when given the chance, chose a huge 12 piece brown stoneware 

dish set as her OWN.

Not the English dishes she had from marriage, but ones that spoke of and to her

personality. 

So I chose this one and when I posted on fb about it her grandchildren 

commented on her taking them to the beach and finding a sand dollar

and the memories of her at home in the sand.

The urn says " The memories of you will linger long after your footprints

in the sand are gone" There in the corner of this picture-

and for me, a bronze songbird keepsake 

10/11/21 5:36AM My dear mother passed away

 My thirty years of caring for her are over...

While I was with her we both knew something was different, 

something was coming..... She was murmuring alot to me and at one point 

addressed those murmurs intently over my right shoulder....

I took my mask off and told her it was ok, holding her hand and kissed 

her forehead .... she looked at me, quite aware something, 

something was happening.... 

She fell asleep, I went home and got the call the next morning. 

Speaker Phone Witness

 Never talk to someone on speaker phone. 

They will use your words against you 

and they have a witness listening.

Imagine being yelled at over a speaker phone filled with nursing home noise

peppered with questions about your loved one

never realizing that your answers would be used to forge a case

against them. 

 I had said I knew my mother had osteoporosis.

They made a point to put this in their report to DHS . 

They also wrote she had a history of getting out of bed-

leaving out the fact that that was NOT the case this time.

Now I am worried that the strangely personal questions posed to me

on speaker phone by the nursing director.

She asked me about a subject we had had in a private conversation

but over the speaker phone she had the C.O.O. in the room.

Thank goodness I baulked , but who knows what they were able to glean

from what may have slipped because of my ignorance.

 

Yesterday at the home I was very upset and emotional and went 

down to see the Director of nursing to pick up a copy of the DHS report.

She and the COO ushered me into a room, had me sign a release.

Then began to ask me a number of personal questions...

Do you have any friends, do you have someone at home to talk to,

would you like to have us get you someone to talk to. 

Do you have siblings, where are they

etc.

Last night it occurred to me they were gathering information about my character.

PANTS???

 Some IDIOT put PANTS on my mother 

after i was assured there were orders everywhere not to

heck i even removed all the pants from her closet on thursday.

Who would do such a thing?

well, when i asked i was told by teressa 

"it was a new person, not that that is an excuse" 

Teressa stood there stone ice cold as I cried expressing my 

shock at such torture to put a person through. 

I told her to have them cut them off.

They all seemed like this was too dramatic a reaction

WTF

who wears pants when their leg is broken??????????????? 

This home used to be so nice

she was here too long 

Migraine

The past week's headache turned tension headache up the side of my neck

went to migraine and diarrhea 

I couldnt get anyone on moms floor to answer the phone (AGAIN)

for an hour and it was impossible for my mind not to go to the

worse situation as to why, or that there wasnt anyone to answer it.

Finally someone answered

and told me she was happy but not eating. 

 I am trying to keep calm, fighting the "about to pop" feeling.

Yesterday i spoke to a bunch of people about medication dosage

and methods of keeping the leg stable.

I am very concerned about the fact of TWO injuries to the leg

and whether it was abuse of some sort - after all the injuries are

to the INNER thigh. 

Upper and lower . 

waiting for a call back from some supervisor 

who i am quite sure hasnt been told yet about all this. 

I have not told my sister because when my father was injured (his own fault)

she became a huge wrench in the communication network

and staff had NO idea who they were talking to, had given information to,

and I was DPOA .

Just as I am now. 

She threw a fit on the internet and made my life HELL because I 

was the one going to the nursing home in person 

while she was making threatening phone calls and writing bad things

online. 

I feel anxiety as I am hoping i am doing the right 

things and wish i had advice. 

Broken Leg ?!

 didnt really want to post this because people will be wanting me to raise hell.

This is also why I havent told others.

This is going to be a bit mixed up timeline wise-

The 24th friday my mother was found with a bruise on her forehead

she ate all her breakfast and then vomited it up was lethargic.

Zero report of a fall or other injury.

Got a call that she has painful right knee going to give tylenol.

Sunday I visited and Nichole ( moms fav nurse) 

said mom had a strange lump on upper inner thigh and painful right inner thigh.

Nichole had washed moms hair because she was appalled at the condition 

of her scalp and hair with so much junk in it. they said mom enjoyed having 

hair washed & loved the hairdryer.

Mom was acting like she had been when she was in the first nursing home

when she was drugged = her eyes would slide sideways and she would 

be aggressive. She couldnt maintain consciousness.

I just thought this was the disease.

They have no record of her receiving anything but Tylenol.

I get a call Monday they are going to xray.

She has a broken femur down by the knee. 

Tuesday she is in bed ate all breakfast and happy for Nichole.

We decide to let her stay in bed upright ( DUH! )

and to give her "Tramadol 50mg" prior to moving her around to change her brief etc.

starting when Rx is filled. 

Didnt eat lunch but is happy and engaged.  

Christmas Tree for mom

 I am positive this arrangement didnt last long 

but I tried. 

I also took a garbage bag full of gooey trash from inside her 

dresser. I swear no one has been doing a thing over there as far as

real "care" . Everything was covered in lotion cream body wash

no toothpaste or brush, hair brush- just a trashed mess. 

The dresser cover was Gross.

ALL her cards were gone. Her closet had four pairs of foot protection

jammed in there- at least her robot cats are still there. 

Got to Hug and Snuggle

 

Kitties and Sweet mom

 My mother ADORES these things! 

I like that they move without needing interaction, this causes

the person who has forgotten it is on their lap to be alerted to

its presence . The purring vibration is comforting.

They give her something to do during long periods of non-interaction.

She has a grey one and a black & white one.

My visit was so sweet and cuddly as I caressed her cheek and told her

I love you! (with my mask on, of course) 

A couple visits

 Visiting mom is like watching a delicate flower

as it sighs with age.

I got her a robotic cat that she ADORES 

She doesnt know I am there, but I play music and gently 

rub her head and neck, back and legs, arms...

Seeing her light up with that cat as it purred and meowed

and oh mom was SO CUTE she loves that thing !! 

god i miss her... but so thankful she is well

and off most if not all her meds now.

Outside !! 

Too hot outside, so we had a nice room

Mothers Day Visit

 I still had to wear a faceshield and mask but it was great 

to see her in such good shape.

We got to sit in a relatively private room.

She was SO healthy and her skin so soft.

It was wonderful to rub her shoulders, legs, back, and 

her soft cheeks. 

She tried so hard to be alert but she just couldnt focus and then would 

sleep. But I could tell she liked the Beachboys I played.

Then all of a sudden she popped awake and started singing and moving

her feet ! 

I think it was because it was lunch time & after a while I asked for her to go back up.

I was able to go upstairs to her floor and see all the residents that I 

have missed for 15 months.

Her aid was surprised and exclaimed at how happy mom was

as we rolled her to the table singing.

I was not allowed to linger but did see mom eating with vigor

before i left.

So it was a really nice visit !

COVID Time Warp

 I cannot face how long it has been since I saw my mother.

Mother's day is Sunday and I am going to go see her.

Even though we are both vaccinated it will be like last time.

All covered up with masks and face shield so she will not be

able to see me nor I her. 

It is still too cold to go outside with her so thats out.

I just wish I could hug her

Sterile Visit

 I went to see mom yesterday.

I felt like i was walking into an infectious disease laboratory.

First i was greeted by a high velocity air blast.

A table containing small paper bags in separate boxes

Take first bag and remove K95 mask

Put empty bag in next box

Plastic face shield over my head- blurry vision

Alcohol gel 

wash hands

take my Own temp in my ear

return forms signed and dated of 

14 days temperatures taken

swear i have not left country or gone anywhere prior to coming

permission to have covid test 

alcohol gel

wash hands

covid test in another plastic lined room

alcohol gel

wash hands

Talk about anxiety causing ! I almost cried.

They rolled mom out and i immediately knew this was a

mistake.

They had put an K95 mask over her face and she couldnt see and

she was pulling it off. Finally got it off and staff freaked out

putting on rubber gloves and struggling with her to replace it.

They got a smaller mask, new rubber gloves, and put that on her.

She sat there miserable unable to see with the mask pushing her face up.

There was a plexiglass screen between us and a large table

I couldnt see through the reflective faceshield and with my mask on 

she wasnt even aware of me. 

They put headphones on her and gave me a microphone.

I spoke to her and she "meow meow meow'd" back 

i meow'd to her and said my name - her meowing at me 

let me know she recognized my voice....

I played Beachboys for her and spoke about nothing

From now on it will be video calls only

not going to torture her like that again.

Still Here

 My mom got both of the Covid vaccines.

They say she is still doing well with 'off ' days and chatty days.

She is on pureed food only except breakfast items like pancakes ect.

Since she is under 100lb now they are giving her a protein icecream

as a supplement along with her yoghurt shakes.

I still facetime with her and it breaks my heart 

but the world is going through the same thing as I.

here she is, trying to keep her eyes open